See, God...

I just need a sign.
Far too inquisitive
to keep quiet and go along for the ride...
blind.

It's the "not knowing" that hurts:

Walking sightless with faith as my 'light'
is a plight that I've struggled to visualize...
Especially if I am considering
what my eyes have already seen.

Bearing witness to
men being killed...
laid to rest
for being stand-up individuals.
Laying eyes upon
women losing their lives
for being mothers,
lovers, and wives.
Watching children who
have no one else better
to emulate than
entertainers, murderers, and drug dealers.
Sometimes they are not differing characters.

Just give me a sign.
Even if it's that
You hate me...
or You love me...
that's all well & fine -
just give me a sign.

It has been nearly thirty
long, hard years:
feels like far too long to wait
to see if it's divine intervention
or merely a fucked up fate.
See, God...I just want to SEE. God.

(2008) Lost Files

She ain't right...


it's like she memorized everything

or was late walking to the bus stop

or made a left turn on Evergreen



But I ain't been left for dead

so it's right that I'm living

felt like he was talking to me,

when he said "Father forgive 'em"...



I'm not so blinded to the point that I was unable

to see where I needed to jump clear over the table

to tackle my opposition, conquer my many addictions

Took off my shades, it was time to face the fiction

Stared the light in the eyes; they call me Ray C.

so I'm dead...or the ghosts of the greats chase me



Fact is, my decisions aren't the best ones

My life often crashes, God says it's a test run

Dad's seen his only child shine bright,

guess you could say I'm the best Sun



But Darkness falls...like the day Malik Sealy died

Still alive...propped up on Red Bull and can't stop

blew 20K on bullshit, I got my Ross on and copped



Wish I could just be like Plies and lie about being Akon

but Akon lied about being A con, so it's twice the night

and that's double the lying, double the sleep I keep

double the sheep I should see with my eyes wide shut

but she's got me wide open and I can't see shit...



She's got my heart, but she ain't a culprit...

I handed that shit off...don't want returns

just to keep it out the icebox for fear of freezer

burn....

The Only Girl...(2007)

I wish I had an excuse...

some type of reason to fall back on

but I have nothing.

if she were candy,

I could blame the sugar rush...

blame the taste if it were liquor,

Milkshake?

Blame Kelis for making it thicker...

or what if I could keep it on the hush?

I wouldn't need an excuse at all.



If she could only be a product of coffee beans...

I mean if she were caffeine you'd understand...

sympathize with me and my helpless stance.



She's a bitch of sorts...but I mean, if she were a BAD bitch??

It wouldn't be thoughts wondering if I'm smokin' that shit.

But she's not a bad bitch...just a mad bitch really...



And I can't shake her, she's all-defensive...

puts me in pensive moods and tells me to remember...

when there was noone around, had no friends...

who was it I could depend?

Her...always there, even with no means to my ends...

How dare I turn my back on her...now or ever?

I can never leave Depression alone...

[Sometimes]

Sometimes you just want understanding

Not from others about yourself;

But from you...about you.

Sometimes you just want to be carefree,

To have days from your childhood

..Like things used to be.

Sometimes you want to forgive...

But you can't, so you're at fault.

And sometimes you're at fault,

But you don't know how...you just know you are.

Sometimes you want to protect everyone you know,

And sometimes you know that it's impossible...

But sometimes you try anyway.

Sometimes you want to get off on an early exit,

because you KNOW there's traffic ahead;

...But you never do.

But sometimes you always want to,

and the people around you don't understand that...

So sometimes you just turn the music up,

play what they want to hear to shut them up.

Sometimes you wish it all would just come easy:

The dream house, dream job, dream spouse...

And sometimes you realize that they are called dreams for a reason.

Sometimes your faith wavers,

But you see everybody else faking like theirs doesn't...

So sometimes you fake right alongside them...

Sometimes you have all the right answers, all the right moves...

And sometimes you just don't know anymore.

Sometimes in a room full of people is the best place to hide,

While sometimes isolation by choice...

feels like assisted suicide.

There are moments when you want to just cry

when no one is looking,

But sometimes it feels like some one always has their eye on you...

Sometimes you want to do something good for someone,

But you question if they question your motives.....

...Because sometimes they do.

Sometimes an ex friend,

or ex love reappears in your life,

And sometimes you miss them for who they are,

or who they were...

Sometimes you get real close to saying something,

Then you wonder aloud why you should even bother.

Sometimes you meet people who are superb human beings...

And sometimes you aren't what they need, and vice versa...

Sometimes you feel like a complainer, instead of an explainer...

So you stop explaining, and you don't understand why no one understands.

Sometimes, even after three hundred and seventy four words,

you still haven't said what you wanted to say.

And sometimes, it's better that it ends that way.

Mirror In The Man

I regret the day I got rid of the mirrors...

now all that's left is the smoke...

and the picture couldn't be any clearer.

Oh beautiful, beautiful self...

Where have you run off to this time?

Every now and again it seems

that I must remind you where home is.

I'm not built for "When in Rome"

or how long it took to build it;

Seven days only makes me weak.


It's hard to speak for myself without

you in front of me as a reminder;

the rest of the world is plenty dark,

but yet continues to be a blinder.

And I discovered your importance

the first time I lost you,

now I'm pretty sure I don't need a memory jog.

But me not needing a reminder does not equate

to me not wanting to see you, look you in the face.

See, I'm lost without you...



".Now backwards is Everything

,thru shine to start lies true

World the to connect my are You"



I was saying the same thing...

Everything is backwards now.

True lies start to shine thru,

You are my connect...to me.



I don't know about myself

things haven't been the same since you've gone

Food doesn't seem to quite have that same taste...

and my ears refuse to listen to the same songs.

We're far too much alike, you and me are

and we've been around each other forever...

through it all, we've made it this far

So...let's start back our mornings together,

you as the first face I see and vice versa...

so I can finally look you in the eye again,

and find the part of me that I had lost.

Elementary Life

The world is filled with snakes;

I feel like a gardener in a global greenhouse...

there's so much beauty before my face,

but so much venom that I need to weed out,

Extracted...siphoned...

all for the sake of the world becoming ripened.

The country has force-fed us lies like kindergarten naptime

It's been happening folks' entire lives, when do we rise?

When do we move on past the fairytales and get real,

or is it all a movie in which I choose my fate within a pill?

The city is filled to the brim with outlooks set to dim...

there are flashes of light here and there,




...nevermind, that's just the slow glow off of some fool's rims.

Grim is expected these days

and we've got people walking around playing 'Reaper'...

with the rising costs of burials,

it's probably cheaper to keep her.

The community no longer cares...

for one another OR their brothers,

True lies portrayed when they say

that they love to one another...

Smooth grooves in the midst of rough edges...

like soft eyes in a hard face

Often pushed against the rock,

but usually ended up next to a hard place

She deserves more but realizes less,

I guess she don't know enough...

Growing old, bitter, scarred and alone...

Rockin' to the beat of a world where the band plays on...

but no one hears the music. They just face it.

Hard To/Safe To Say

*inspired by my friend's life.


I find it hard to say
that I lead a life filled with pain,
prescription pills + treatments,
all aim to numb the brain...

Safe to say
my rainy nights are ironic
because neither my eyes,
nor the rainfall outside
can match the sorrow I hide.

I find it hard to say
that I don't feel like fighting
holding onto life another day.
Warding off the weakness,
and pain in the core of my bones...

Safe to say
every morning feels like jail
a life sentence under a sun god
who's given me life in Hell.
I'll never understand it...
why is my life so hard?

I find it hard to say
that I'm in a battle with cancer
I've seen Doctor after Doctor...
all with different answers.

My dilemma isn't known by my friends;
and for as long as I can help it,
none of them will ever know until the end...
So when my body's weak & balance is off,
I deal with the stares they try to hide
the unheard whispers & misguided snickers,
all for the sake of maintaining my pride.

Safe to say
My strength is waning in the physical
and my mentality is not far behind.
I just want to be pain-free in this life,
or leave pain behind & be free of this life.

I often wonder why I was dealt this hand,
but when talking to God, find it hard to say.
I see others folding to their life's demands...
and realize I'm blessed to see another day.
I find strength in the obstacles I've endured...
nothing worthwhile has ever come easy,
& it makes me appreciative of EVERYTHING
trust and believe.
Safe to say, if the question's presented to me,
about any regrets I have or unfairness in life
I'll find it hard to say anything;
I'm simply blessed to be alive.

Take What You Want...

My money...is yours. More can be made.
You can have this car, even though it's in my name.
Anything for you I've ever written, drawn or recorded?
You can have it all...
art is a giving talent, and I can afford it.
Whatever you can manage to get your hands on,
I'll instantly consider as good as gone.
Material things are nothing, you can have it from far to near.
What price can you put on love? I can't think of a number..
You can take every possession, leave nothing but tears...
I'll help you move the bed out, good luck on the slumber.
The painting of the couple sitting by the lake is free to go,
Take it right along with whatever else you get thru the door.
Take what you want, but leave my heart here.

She Lights My Desire

It might've been a sign, depending on who you ask
that I saw her on the hottest day of the summer...
Walking down Michigan Avenue in a sun dress,
straight past me...I had on cargo shorts & a v neck T.
She never broke stride...was probably unimpressed.
From then on, I vowed to always be well-dressed.

Saw her again, a few days later...same street, different avenue,
The sun was bearing mercilessly down upon the street's visitors.
She was armed with sunglasses, shorts and a face full of sweat...
The fatigue in her face silently spoke of shopper's regret...
I wanted to just offer her a taxi ride, tell her to cool off
But my wallet was on empty; so I continued to watch her walk.
It was at that moment, I promised to always have money.

Ran across her downtown the next week, much to my surprise...
the same strut, dip of the hips and seemingly effortless glide.
We were encountering each other, walking opposite directions,
and I must've been staring harder than a starving prisoner at food...
because she spoke:

"Hi...How are you?"
And I was so flustered & caught off guard, I didn't know what to do...
"Uh..........Hi!"

Then she walked away smiling...focused back on her path
I felt like a jackass who won a million bucks and had no clue,
a suddenly wealthy man who wasn't aware of his good fortune.
I decided right then & there to never get caught with nothing to say.

I'm not going to lie, my days were now dominated by thoughts of she,
fairytale dreams of we, a big house, some kids and a backyard swing...
Engulfed by her enchantment....she lights my desire.

After not seeing her for a while, I began to miss her visual beauty...
Started to wonder whether I had weirded her out finally,
Was she speaking code when she said 'Hi' to me?
Really meaning "I've noticed you looking and wish you'd get lost"?
My desire was waning...until I saw her from afar!

I took off in a light jog, didn't want to alarm her...
Determined to speak, even if I couldn't charm her,
"I just had to say something to you, I adore you...
tried to pass it off, but could no longer ignore you.
I just want to get to know you, take it from there..."

Then she stopped me...
And told me that if I wanted to get to know her,
I could walk with her to where she was going to,
and we could start from there.....Fair enough.
We walked, and small talked...joked and smiled,
finally reached the destination she was talking about.

She says: "I feel like you were destined to meet me...
so don't stop at the door, fate has intertwined us."
I was so wrapped around her finger at this point,
I may as well have been walking around w/ blinders on.
I must say, I followed behind her that day...
and it was the most important day of my life:
She lit my desire, and led me to GOD.

A Snippet of some shit...

"Ain't nothin like you" bumpin while I ride thru the streets,

no longer talkin' about you; now I'm talking about ME

Used to be Mr. Do-It-All-For-You, Mr. Take-the-fall-for-you,

Mr. Sell-Myself-Short and not look in the rearview...



You trying so hard to be a standout and different,

but trust, babygirl I can show you what WEIRD do...



You got it Bad, I got it Worse...& it's merely a peer's view,

we share the same sight but I hear it with my ears too...

Can't keep trying to thread the needle with a gymshoe,
 
can't show her how to be a Baker if the Anita ain't official...

They Fixed The Broken Clocks...

Time loves like no other

In forgetful fashion,

Yet remembers everything.

In the blink of an eye,

Can change in an instant

Yet remain the same distance.



Time is perfect in its approach

Wound-healer to some

Hatchet-burier to others

Makes hearts grow fonder

When time is spent apart…

Time ages beautifully.



Time is flawed in its delivery

Not enough time in a day

Too much of the in-between

Some are aging prematurely

Time…Sometimes isn’t enough.

Revolutions on Repeat.

Suns rise


Children born

Days start

Lips meet

To heartbeats

Excitement

Anticipation

Eventually leads to expectation.

Afternoon tint

Clouds views

On time spent.

Once deemed

‘Heaven Sent’

Wears thin

Like cheap jackets

Sensitive skin

And patience.

Expectation caves to reality’s weight.

Lightless nights

Shadows stretch

Where the bad

Seems far worse

The sky stretches

Onward amongst

Stars & lost dreams

Is there room

For your smile?

Not til morning…

When this night

Is all forgotten

Amidst tomorrow’s

Brand new sunrise.

The Understanding.

You See, the problem is......
that we don't see eye-to-eye.
and on top of that absence,
we don't agree in too many ways.

A simple kiss used to heal all of this;
but I'm looking for a crutch these days...
clutching for a dutch to relax my brain,
cuz it's only cloud filled outlooks...
& thunderstorm thoughts under the Sun's rays.

I try to write you letters
in an attempt to paint pictures,
but out of that comes books...
and in my life I have trouble turning the page.

Part of my problem is this...
I hold onto the past.
Both the good and bad,
Both the happy and sad,
the pretty shit...
and the pretty fucking ugly shit.
Hey, at least I'm fair, right?

With the same emotional arms
that I squeeze fond memories,
I choke the shit out of grudges.
Big ones, small ones...
fresh and forgotten seemingly.
And I'm not saying it's right...
...but dammit it's justified.
Especially when I have been paying
for the past...for far too long,
one that I wasn't even a part of
but has me singing blues songs...
...is it right? I should understand?

Well understand this: I feel you...
I feel you in ways that you don't know,
understand you in ways that I won't show...
from a stance of "never love again",
to the "let's see how this is gon' go".
Because I know...
...I used to be you.

Heartbreak...

The still air was pursed by the exhaling of words…


Of news she didn’t want to face, even when spoken

She became overcome, infected and overrun with emotion

Tears streamed, exploring alternate routes down her face…

As everything else stood still, in place…

..................

As if the environment was in shock behind the news,

Just as dumbfounded as she, stricken stiff with grief

When rejection finally became much more than a notion

Brushed her face with a forceful open hand full of reality…


It had taken so much to build up the courage in the first,

Tuck away her pride in the name of love & the big picture

Only for the painting in her mind to be yet another fallacy.

Heartbroken where she stood, averted the eyes of others

This setting was far too public; sons, daughters & mothers…

Seemingly all sharing her pain, humiliation and grief,

They realized…that it could just as easily be one of them.


Denied public assistance, three children to raise,

Laid off of her day job, the night job underpays…

This is her Heartbreak, hurts her deeper than any breakup,

Scares worse than any nightmare; she could always wake up.



The walls are closing in, options becoming more limited

Depressed about life, but not thinking about quitting it…

No family support, children’s father died in a car wreck,

All she has left is her children & the love for them…

The love for them…No Ordinary Love; it’s Love Deluxe...



Judge her not when you see her now; she’s of those peculiar cases,

And just know that her story is one filled with tough decisions…

She used to always have a good rep; some things traded places…

Her life is a tragic downward spiral that no one ever envisioned...

So when her rep is heard now, old friends hold astonished faces.

She never sold her soul, but sold her body for her children’s lives

At the same time cementing that she may never be another man’s wife.

If her heart isn't broken, then certainly mine is...

As I look over her from Heaven, feeling virtually helpless.

Visions...

Visions prove to be nothing
more than optical illusions,
And trying to get through is
misconstrued as an intrusion.

The storm's calm amongst mass confusion,
Proves to be amusing with no provocation,
Just a bunch of fancy clowns
Dressed up for the occasion.

Visions prove to be nothing
more than optical illusions…
Following blindly is easier for most to embark,
than taking your own steps in the dark.

So, Mind control goes on a stroll…
looking for validation
In a world full of thoughtless souls
eager for assimilation…
A fiend for vindication...
ignorant Blacks get euthanized
w/ no affiliation to the Aryan Nation.

Visions prove to be nothing
more than optical illusions…
chasing entertainment in itself,
is something that I find amusing...

So Even if I wanted to...
and I don't...
you would never catch me putting on a show,
I refuse to do a song and dance;
I suppose that in a sense
I'm Fighting the Temptations…

Visions prove to be nothing
more than optical illusions…
so what we read is nothing
but empty 'facts' yet to be proven.

We are surrounded by history
and examples of misery...
proud pasts turned into fiction,
so who we are is a mystery.

Visions prove to be nothing
more than optical illusions…
but our hearts bleed real imagery,
and speak an unseen truth.

Just listen to Ella Fitzgerald
or the moans…
and groans…
of Nina Simone,
Then tell me why I should continue
to pity a fool like Mr. T.

Visions prove to be nothing
more than optical illusions…
so should I trust what I forsee?

I have a vision of the things we could be...
if we got our heads out of our own asses
and our feet out of others,
If we took the time out
to once again be fathers and mothers,
Stopped trying to always be fighters,
and made room for the lovers,
Quit trying to scheme on those
who are a bloodline away
from being our sisters and brothers,
Started to look up,
instead of searching down for somebody to step on,
Woke up the world ourselves
instead of using the excuse of being 'slept on',
Stopped claiming colors and blocks;
and learned how to get our REAL 'rep' on…

That’s what I see.

But visions prove to be nothing..
Nothing more than optical illusions
In the eyes and mind of a dreamer.
But I still believe.