Thursday, March 26, 2009

In The Recesses of My Mind...(unfinished)

In the recesses of my mind,
class is still taking place
so the hallways are empty
as I walk searching for myself...
in a building with no mirrors.

The sun shines through the windows,
and the lights are off so...
the hall has that surreal
'light at the end of the tunnel' feel...
So why do I feel I'll never escape?
This is a hell of a school building,
where I'm trying to unlearn being a fool
for others as well as for myself.

This is my proving ground so to speak,
how ironic...stuck in a place designed for learning
where I didn't learn shit but how to hide
my real self from others in the light...
now that it's dark, I'm overexposed...
passing rooms used as examples,
friends who suffer more than I do,
smile more than I and appreciate life.

One has a sickness and is determined,
she pushes forth and does good for the world
even if it doesn't realize the need,
even if it doesn't realize her deeds...
I do.
I just want the sun to shine on her long enough,
where her grandkids can ask when her hair first turned grey
on a porch where she's spent half the evening
telling stories of past events and days...

But anyway, to look her in the heart makes me sad,
so I listen elsewhere as I walk down the hall...
I hear wheezing and a wheelchair motor,
the temperature is freezing as I approach...
The closer I get, the more hazy the view...
Tears have filled my eyes as my vision worsens
to see an old friend once heavyset and energetic,
crippled and fragile, a fraction of his former self.
He can't even wipe his own mouth...
but here I STAND and complain about food stuck in my teeth,
that I have been working at for seven minutes to get,
when seven minutes to use his arms would make his day.

Light dims...the skies are grey now...
No more hope at the end, unsure of where to begin.
I see an old picture taped up in the hall
about Donnie's death, now more tears fall...
I feel trapped within these four walls,
with no escape from others' pain
I don't know how to deal,
I'm really missing the rain.

The rain lets me be myself under it's protection,
cry my soul out while I figure out my next step...
but here I am, with no direction, in a hallway with no lights,
the smell of unlearned lessons in unopened books in upopened lockers
running into all my life's ills and concerns...
and I'm worried now...
Not because of what I've dealt with so far,
but because of what's ahead...

I've yet to face my own problems and past
yet to take on mistakes and situations head on
I haven't yet dealt with my little girl not being born.
Don't know how to handle not being wanted by my Mother,
handled the same way she handled my older brother...
Can't face my Father for looking me square in the eye
and verbally passing off his life's largest lie.
I know the truth, as I've always known...
For all of the genius that is recognized by them,
why do they treat me as if I'm colorblind?
as if I can't make out what the signs are...
So I stopped once I began to see Red.
I couldn't do it anymore; I almost wanted to see them dead.
See, respect is a two way street in my eyes,
and they walked to cut across the grass...
as if my 'respect' and theirs would never meet.