Tuesday, June 23, 2009

the explanation of the inspiration...

Before anyone gets the wrong idea, Danyelle (the one who inspired the previous posts) isn't an ex-girlfriend of mine or anything like that.
She's my dear friend who was trying to help me with some topics, and took time out to send me a slew of different titles and subjects.
And of the ones she sent, these four jumped out at me and I wrote them well within an hour. Many thanks to you Danyelle!

When It Rains...[inspired by Danyelle]

"When It Rains, it pours."
That's how she explained it to me.
"Matters of the heart are like a confused weather report...
Affection makes the Sun shine like a July afternoon,
That very same sunshine makes my heart rain love.
And when it rains, it pours."

She said "Rain isn't all bad like most people think."
I nodded and agreed silently, eager to hear more.
"You can do things in the rain...
Things you can't do any other time."

I immediately began envisioning puddle splashing,
Attempting to use my own body to cover her head,
Because we were too engulfed in each other...
To even consider bringing an umbrella.

And even though we were braving the elements unprotected,
nothing could have felt better than the rain at the moment.
Pictures of kissing during a downpour in summer,
Flashed through my imagination at a rapid pace...
Images of close embraces and invading each other's spaces.

I sat and thought about how I feel about rain.
Like she said, you can do things in love...
that you can't even imagine during any other time.


The Right Time... [inspired by Danyelle]

I should have said goodbye the moment before I met you.
That would have been perfect timing apparently...
Because trying to say it now is proving to be too difficult.

We've agreed that it's imperative we both move on,
Or more so you think so and I have to put up a front
And just nod in agreement to hide my feelings...

Or more so I brought it to you alll matter-of-factly,
And had to witness your tears, listen to you recap your fears
And 'right hand before God' swear off all future dealings...

I wish we woulld've done this earlier...
Before some of the good times that are forever indelibly etched
In that part of my memory bank that I call "The Time of My Life"

I wish we would've done this later...
There's still so much for us to learn from and about each other
So much for us to discover about the world, together...

I can't make up my mind...I don't know why
But I think there's never a right time to say goodbye.
I can't bring myself to say it, So I'll just walk away.

Why Won't You Let Me Be Great? [inspired by Danyelle]

Why won't you let me be great?
There are missions to accomplish
Tasks that need my tending to
Goals to achieve during this lifetime

Yet, you have me sitting...here.
There are so many lives I've yet to affect,
So many stories to share and reflect on
So many dreams to spare from being stepped on

Why can't you just let me be great?
It's not about the fame, but I'm highly capable
The world needs to know me...no,
The world needs to FEEL me.

I am here to care for others
I am here to uplift mothers
I am here to encourage fathers
I am here to teach brothers.

So WHY won't you let me be great?

I can persuade someone to positively change,
Flash a smile her way to brighten her day
Aid him to believe in his own abilities
Show them how to be better listeners to each other.

But yet, here I am...sitting here with you.
In this dimly lit room, with a bunch of reminders
Of past problems and issues,
Of let downs, loneliness and lies.

Just me and you in this room,
A dim light, these reminders,
A chair, and this mirror.
Let me be great.

I Dream In Color [inspired by Danyelle]

City lights blazing, a spectacular type of dullish orange
On the backdrop of a midnight blue evening sky
Smiles flashing bright white, as spirits are high
Races of every kind, intermingling and intertwined
Each sharing love...it's shown all abound
Fluorescent red, like an ideal sports car
There are no dark differences here;
Only faces and eyes that light up like the stars
and of course, a brighter future:
A world of equality and respect,
Where differences make one interesting,
And worthy of meeting and befriending.
I dream in color.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

My Glass House

At times I wonder where my life's leading me...
or am I leading my life...or is life defeating me?

Sometimes I feel so worn down,
tugged, dragged & pulled around...
that all I want to do is Sit.Down.
Get out of the eyesight of the public,
the folks I don't and do want to be near
so I don't have to explain myself,
or paint a fake smile over a frown...

Changing Faces like SWV isn't really for me,
don't want TLC when I get sonned by Destiny
seasoned like Salt n Pepper in this tasteless reality...

she made a long-term vow to me...
to never let the world's weight win the bout with me
how I was the best man like at my best friend's wedding
said she'd be by my side...
some real Adam and Eve shit.

But she fucked me up like that trip thru Eden
gave her all she wanted; couldn't get what I needed...
"Bye, my side"...must've left and taken the rib,
because I helped mold her into who she currently is...
or portrays to be apparently, her mask isn't ski;
but still didn't stop the girl from flat-out robbery...

but that's another story for a life full of mis-steps,
bad moves, attitudes, decisions and Disappearing Acts
...at times my life is on some real Wesley Snipes shit.
Mother disowned child without saying the words...
kept her mouth closed but actions speak in stadium sounds
it's so deafening that I can't hear shit else spoken to me...
"I love you"s drop to the wayside like already-known lies,
displays of concern are disavowed like CIA secrets
extended hands are treated like extended fists...
so I duck accordingly.

My own foundation was built upon lies,
so I find it so easy to lie to myself these days...
but it's a paradox of sorts, hard to explain:
I say but know but feel but do differently.
I'm available for people but close my own doors,
close enough to feel, yet remain withdrawn...
open up my heart yet keep it closed off
dependable for most but depend on none
easy for you to trust, but I don't trust one.

I have created the most beautiful glass house it seems,
a wonderment to behold, despite the lack of entry
I'm attempting to work on a door...
but if it's for your entry or my exit is yet to be seen.

I know.

I know that the blog title is spelled "wrong"...I know that "separate" is spelled "s-e-p-a-r-a-t-e". My "spelling" is what makes it "seperate"...get it? Apparently the same folks also red-flagged on Fabolous when he first hit the rap scene...

In other news, new post by the end of the day. Just felt I'd clear up that non-issue.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

The Race Card (Ficticious 'humor' - wordpress repost)

This was back when things were way more simple. Think you’re better? Think you make more money, or that your car is better, or that your girl is better? Put up or shut up. We played the Race card…from the cage to the end of the parking lot. Loser gives up whatever was the issue of discussion…title to the car, chain, shoes, girl (”hoe…bring yo ass!” (c) Luda), whatever. It’s retarded to lose your 10,000$ car in a 25 second footrace, but that’s how things were done when we were younger. We didn’t have time for all that fighting and shooting and shit; we were just a bunch of basketball players who loved to have fun. Forwards and centers didn’t say shit….especially when Melo and Marvin where around. Fucking with them? Guaranteed you’re walking home. The guards ran shit….literally.

The race card was a highly reliable weapon against big-shit talkers….all until Luke came along. Luke was new to the neighborhood, and had transferred to play on our basketball team. Apparently, he must’ve heard about our braggadocious ways of playing the Race card, because he came down with the intentions of winning something from someone.

Usual ridderick, typical back and forth banter taking place…then Luke walks into the cage and starts talking shit to any and everyone who would listen.

“You bitches are weak as fuck…garbage ass muthafuckas…”

He had the language down. Those were indeed fighting words. Roy decided to be the one to shut Luke down. Luke had merely moved here two weeks ago, and all folks who knew of him SWORE that was the first time they heard him utter more than two words…usually “Yes, coach.”, in practice.

Roy: “I’m about to shut your goofy ass up, coming here talking all this shit. What you putting up?”

Luke: “You’re not worth putting up SHIT for…but I tell you what; you win, and you’ll never hear me say anything negative to you again. Promise that. Don’t worry about putting up anything, because once it’s over your dignity will line the pockets of my slacks for many years to come…bitch.”

Roy: “Dignity? Playing for pride? Sounds like a scared bitch to me…I don’t give a fuck though. However I can shut you up, I’m for it…”

Luke was already standing near the outer part of the cage at this point, and Roy walked to line up next to him. As Roy turned towards the parking lot, Luke turned to him and said:

“You’re dark and ugly. Worst part is, you’re ugly BECAUSE you’re dark. You look like you smell of alligator-used swamp water…your hair looks like….how did that go? Your hair looks like a brillo pad that my Negro maid would use. Your feet are too big for your body, but they are the same size as your lips and nostrils. You look like Curious George, you should be running with the lions and tigers and bears. Your mom is an alcoholic, a whore, and a bad cook who adds too much salt and hot sauce to everything…all wrapped up into one. Your dad is a lazy mechanic who smokes too much crack in his offtime…..wait….no….that’s your mom’s current boyfriend. We don’t know what your dad looks like, so nevermind. Your mom named you Roy to make it easy on you when filling out the top of Section 8 forms…and because of that…you will NEVER.AMOUNT.TO.SHIT……..Nigger.”

With that, Luke just walked off…going back the direction which he came…blonde hair flowing in the light winds. After that day, we never played the Race Card again…nor did we look at White people the same…we just beat the shit out of Luke everyday after basketball practice. Roy went on to get his skin bleached and team up with some guy named Sigfried. We never heard from him again.


What I was feeling at the time (wordpress repost)

Insomina’s winning…
it’s been a long time, but it’s only the beginning…
Been awake so long, it hurts to even try to close your eyes…
Been an ape so long, can’t help but show your animal pride…

To the girl who I gave my world 7 years ago-
You’ve carved a nice path of destruction
One that caused for many tears to flow…
Now I divorce myself from love, I only want seduction…

Destroyed my idea of the perfect woman, so heartless
Cut my heart for the world to see, you a doc or an artist?
I’ve recovered, I think, pretty sure I’ve healed just fine
And of all the things I lost, what I miss most is my mind…

Black Tie Affair, my feelings once again on display
placed neatly in a large black box on a special day
In my wake, am I dead or merely dreaming despondent?
But I hardly ever sleep; is what I see my reality?
Visions of the end, I guess it’s only my mind wandering…

The Chase (wordpress repost)

I’m chasing after a man in the street’s night
I feel he’s got answers I need; wrong or right
Might need light…he’s trying to shake me thru dark alleys
ran back twoards a main street, ducked behind a Denali
I slowed pace…put the tool off safety
Heard an old phrase about God protecting fools and babies
The ‘fool’ theory will be put to test today, G-A-T
when cold steel’s to his brain, how will he A-C-T?

I crept closer, on stealth mode, not making a sound
plams sweaty, black Nikes slow-slapping the ground
Took off my hood, a slow smile began to wind
I’m not crazy, but this guy will soon lose his mind

the wet ground shone a fuzzy reflection
shit was distorted like my reality, far from perfection
looked at the window of a Charger and it kinda threw me
for a loop…the man staring back hardly knew me…
But I kept fake-nailing it…decided I had to press on
My heart kept making beats…chest getting it’s Mr. West on…

I see him…crouched down, looking the wrong way for too long
Time to make this hip hop nucca sing a brand new song…
Grabbed him by his collar, went to see the shock on his face
but who I confronted was an image I couldn’t erase
All this time I thought I was pursuing the truth,
I was only chasing ghosts…trying to keep pace with my youth.

The Beauty Of It All (wordpress repost)

Sometimes it’s hard living when you are cognizant of your eventual demise.

Everything around you expires like rebates, spoils like milk…

wilts like flowers and Chamberlain, decomposes like Bach in reverse…

everything fades…loses color, yet ironically we say it dies.

Sometimes it’s difficult living when you are aware of your isolation.

Whether real or imagined, I imagine what appeals is just as real,

as the things we’re disgusted by.

the people we are lusted by…

the people we lust after,

the idols we blindly follow

the cure we chase…

all of the fallacies are a tough pill to swallow.

But even that’s only if you’re looking at the half filled glass upside down,

pour the rest out and let it evaporate into the ground…

and then proclaim that you don’t have shit…can’t see the point in any of it…

but even then, you pay attention long enough and a flower may grow.

I turn my glass over all of the time…but it’s usually into the cups of others…

so when I say that I don’t look at life from a half full perspective,

it’s due to looking at others drink from my benefits.

And that’s the beauty of it all.

CRZY State (wordpress repost)

Standing in a room all alone

yet I’m surrounded by spirits

The silence is turned up,

ironic how I can’t hear it.

I’m forced to face the ugly sides of myself

Distorted and contorted, some faces of fear

maybe I would be more at ease if it were amusement…

but there are no funhouse mirrors;

Everything I see is real here.

I feel a brawl on the horizon brewing

I’m not yet ready to battle my demons…

I see Faces of Death leaning against the wall,

smirks for smiles, acting like they knew.

Envy rocking a green replication,

hating like he’s known to do…

Defiance got his arms crossed,

sneering, refusing to budge…

Selfishness has it’s back turned, concerned about no one…

Typical shit.

Selfless is tapping him on the shoulder,

trying to lend a helping hand…

Arrogance is on some decked out shit…as far as spirits go.

In here looking like a magic cloud, silver lining to his shadow.

But that fool is a midget…baby joker don’t worry me

Self-doubt though?

On some Giant shit that could get me Plaxico Buried.

It gets me every time…aim lower…

I always shoot myself in the foot with worry.

I need to control these demons…but don’t know where to attack…

Fuck it, selfishness gets it first as I remind him how I do for others

He starts to shrink, and I start to feel better before I feel worse…

look over at Selfless, and see his heart is getting too big for his chest…

I give so much sometimes, the shit hurts…I gotta find balance…

Clutching my chest, I turn towards Envy…this shit should be easy…

I’ve got no reason to be jealous of another motherfucker,

because even with my DNA they couldn’t replicate me.

Envy falls flat, but guess who’s getting fat?

Arrogance beats his chest, and Selfishness perk up a bit…


I focus in on Self-Doubt, easily the toughest

I declare this world mine for the taking,

I can do anything.

I’m too talented to fail, too Rasheed to not succeed…

we’re Common in species only…that’s where it ends.

Self-Doubt quivers, but Arrogance is peaking…

telling the rest how he’s the shit…figuratively speaking.

I point out flaws in my character, chinks in my armor

acne, only 5′10″, one ear smaller than the other…

not the buffest guy around, don’t make the most change

I drive a Chevy Malibu; stop acting like it’s a Range

Got a bad case of Depression- in fact, I’m surprised he’s not here

probably sitting somewhere in a corner with the light off,

relishing in the darkness of his own sadness…

but anyway, got a case of Depression that leads to Isolation…

how the fuck you walking around here like you’re perfect?

Arrogance sat down…seemingly defeated…

Defiance was still standing, arms folded…a little bit shorter.

I realize that I cannot do everything on my own…

I understand that bull-headedness will only lead me to a Matador

I’ll be thoughtlessly chasing red capes for the rest of my existence.

A one man gang is sure to fall when it comes to team ball…

Defiance drops his arms and comes out of his stance,

and when I turn around, I’m met by Self-Doubt…big as a house.

What the fuck? I’ll be battling these demons for the rest of my life,

it seems I need one to keep the other in check like Congress and Senate…

Guns and Butter shit…Angel/Devil shit…Peace and War…

shit might drive me crazy or put me into an early grave.

Remembering the last two, I look over to the Faces of Death…

same smirks on their faces…they already knew.

Made of the World

From a Rose I was birthed…

in the middle of a storm…

I felt cursed as I got wet…

and trickled down with the rainfall,

and fell into the soil face first.

Mud in my eye, I did not know where I was…

Who I am, what’s my plan and where that I was going.

All I knew is that I was growing…

When I finally stood up, I became a man…

Privy to the ways of a world so clear yet confused.

Look around to see precious life being abused,

love mistreated and clear night skies taken for granted…

Green eyes blackened for things other than jealousy,

Dreamers awaken from their perfect worlds to wonder…

“Where was we?”

We were the Gods creating our own world,

but too wrapped up in advancing creations for appreciation.

I looked down in shame…but then I saw the rose…

and I remembered in an instant the beauty that I live for.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Must Be...

"This must be love."
That's the only explanation my mind can fathom.
the anxiety and frustration
tears and strained voices
clenched fists and stress lines
the migraines and sore spirit?
This must be love.

Fun can be had with anybody,
and fights can be made w/ anyone
but to still want to fight + have fun,
after the laughs pass away
and the smoke + dust clears
is a truly special realization.
This must be love.

But...I wouldn't put love through that,
would love really do that to me?
It's possible...but so is just about anything.
Maybe I was in love with the thought,
moreso than the true definition and meaning.

I've paid the price for what I thought was love...
more times...
than all of my trips to Vegas and bets on games,
heart stolen from my chest, a repeated crime...
only for me to not file a police report,
and eventually catch her on my own...
steal my own shit back, the OJ way...
and hear Love beg and plea to me
how I shouldn't lock my heart in a safe,
how it's safe to leave it out,
no harm will be done, really...
And everytime, I fall for it:
hook, line and lover.

"This must be love."
That's what I tell myself.


There was a time where I wanted to be
everything to everyone...save lives & smiles.
Whether going a step or an extra mile,
I was trying to do all that wasn't done for me.

It never dawned or occured under moonlight,
that I wasn't merely extending a hand-out;
I was chasing acceptance that was missing...
the feeling of being wanted, needed, adored
understood + appreciated...not underestimated + ignored
by the most important people in your sight's eye.

Giving others assistance started becoming my dependence
and like with any other drug, the levels increased.
I started to forsake self for the sake of "help"
Fighting a battle that I can't win with life.

Some people have called me an angel...hardly.
It makes me feel awkward; I nervously play it off...
they say that I speak & they can see something;
how close I am to God...& it helps reaffirm their faith.
Truth be told, I don't know what God thinks of me...
whether He's proud of me, or considers my tattoo a mockery.

I haven't been to church in quite some time,
usually only pray when others need me to do so,
hardly ever speak to God because of my thoughts:
"If I didn't call on You when the going was GOOD,
how dare I come to You once things get hard?"

So my faith ducks and hides behind my pride
and I walk this Earth knowing He walks with me,
but it's a silent journey...I often wonder to myself...
"what DOES He think of me? Am I on the right path?"
And as always, I'm just far too proud to ask...