My Glass House

At times I wonder where my life's leading me...
or am I leading my life...or is life defeating me?

Sometimes I feel so worn down,
tugged, dragged & pulled around...
that all I want to do is Sit.Down.
Get out of the eyesight of the public,
the folks I don't and do want to be near
so I don't have to explain myself,
or paint a fake smile over a frown...

Changing Faces like SWV isn't really for me,
don't want TLC when I get sonned by Destiny
seasoned like Salt n Pepper in this tasteless reality...

she made a long-term vow to me...
to never let the world's weight win the bout with me
how I was the best man like at my best friend's wedding
said she'd be by my side...
some real Adam and Eve shit.

But she fucked me up like that trip thru Eden
gave her all she wanted; couldn't get what I needed...
"Bye, my side"...must've left and taken the rib,
because I helped mold her into who she currently is...
or portrays to be apparently, her mask isn't ski;
but still didn't stop the girl from flat-out robbery...

but that's another story for a life full of mis-steps,
bad moves, attitudes, decisions and Disappearing Acts
...at times my life is on some real Wesley Snipes shit.
Mother disowned child without saying the words...
kept her mouth closed but actions speak in stadium sounds
it's so deafening that I can't hear shit else spoken to me...
"I love you"s drop to the wayside like already-known lies,
displays of concern are disavowed like CIA secrets
extended hands are treated like extended fists...
so I duck accordingly.

My own foundation was built upon lies,
so I find it so easy to lie to myself these days...
but it's a paradox of sorts, hard to explain:
I say but know but feel but do differently.
I'm available for people but close my own doors,
close enough to feel, yet remain withdrawn...
open up my heart yet keep it closed off
dependable for most but depend on none
easy for you to trust, but I don't trust one.

I have created the most beautiful glass house it seems,
a wonderment to behold, despite the lack of entry
I'm attempting to work on a door...
but if it's for your entry or my exit is yet to be seen.